August 18, 2011

It has taken me a long time to finish this post.  Maybe since today would've been his birthday and the 1 year anniversary is next week, it makes sense to finally publish it.  It could also be that I'm finally brave enough to share it...I don't know.  

Disclaimer: This is a sad post so stop reading now if you won't be able to handle it.  It's also a long post...sorry.

I found that this was very therapeutic for me to write it.  I've cried a lot writing it, but I've also smiled a lot writing it.  There are numerous things I wanted to put into this post, but sometimes when I sit down to work on this, I forget what I wanted to say.  

There are so many memories of my brother - great memories - that I am very thankful for.   Those are memories no one can ever take away.  It helps to talk (in my case write) about these memories and my feelings about everything, and not keep them bottled up.  I am attempting to help myself heal, and maybe I'll help other people heal at the same time. 

August 18, 2011...

...One week to the day after my brother's 25th birthday.
...Two weeks and 2 days before our wedding.
...A day that has replayed in my head every day since.
...The day I lost my precious brother Lee in a car accident.

They say there are moments in your life that define you as a person, and losing my brother has changed me in many ways.  It's hard to even know all of the ways, but the changes are there for sure.  My brother and I didn't talk every day, or sometimes even every week, but he was like my other half...almost like my twin.  We had been attached at the hip since he was born and did everything together - people even used to ask if we were twins because we looked so much alike growing up.  Losing him felt like I lost a piece of myself, and to be honest, I feel that hole every day.

I loved Lee immensely from the moment he was born...as you can see in the picture below.  For the longest time, it was just the two of us...and we were inseparable.

August 11, 1985

Halloween

Grandfather Mountain, NC

Christmas morning

xxxLee was probably my biggest fan - always there to support me, encourage me, and celebrate with me when something special happened.  Sometimes it felt like I was the little sister and he was the big brother (we're two years apart) because I was always learning things from him.  He was patient (a trait we don't really share), kind, smart, funny, quick tempered (a trait we do share), and had a smile that could light up a room.

You couldn't ask for a better brother and I think Carrie and Sam would agree. From the moment both of them were born, Lee became such a great big brother to both of them.  He took pride in teaching them things and being there for them, especially when I went away to college.

Here's a look at the four (& six) of us through the years...please disregard bad hair-dos and braces! Lee never experienced either of those, and never went through the awkward teenage phase. His teeth were naturally straight and he was incredibly handsome from day one :)  Most of these are pretty mixed up, so they don't go in chronological order.

Morning snuggles :)

Our last Christmas morning together 2010

I never thought much about how close we were as siblings and as a family until someone else would acknowledge it to us.  A photographer from our home town had taken pictures of us for Mother's Day in 2002, and he even made the comment on the day Lee passed away...something about he's never seen a closer group of siblings than us.  It kind of caught me off guard - not in a bad way, but gave me an honored and blessed feeling that other people could see our bond and knew how close we were.  It was just normal to us - it was how we wanted our lives to be.  Now, don't get me wrong - we all did our fair share of fighting and arguing - but we always came out of it better and closer than we were before.

For people who are new to my life or may not know much about what happened, here are the rough details of Lee's accident and days that followed.

Lee was driving home from a friend's house late one night/early morning, and wrecked his truck less than a mile from my parents' house (where he was living).  He was found by the newspaper carrier around 4:00 AM and flown by helicopter to Carolina's Medical Center where he passed away around 6:15 AM.  When they notified our family of the accident, they warned my Mom that it could "go either way" so Chance and I were already on our way to the airport when we got the news.  The rest of the day and week are pretty much a blur, but we got through it as a family with the support of so many amazing family members and friends.

The funeral was the largest our county had seen in many, many years.  We had a 3+ hour receiving line that just never ended.  People stood in line in the August heat and humidity for hours to pay their respects...it was overwhelming.  There were even two people who passed out waiting in line!  The funeral home directors estimated over 2000 people came that day, and toward the end we ended up having to walk down the line and shake people's hands in order to speed up the process.  I still can't believe there were that many people there that day...but it just goes to show how many people Lee touched in his short 25 years and the impact that he made on other people.

Our wedding was less than two weeks later, so Chance and I had to fly back to KS to get our things ready and pack for the wedding.  It was one of those times you just keep moving because you don't have a choice - we had briefly talked about postponing the wedding, but it was a unanimous NO from our entire family.  Lee wouldn't have wanted that and neither did anyone else...so we kept the plans and switched gears (or at least tried to).

We had a memorial for Lee at the back of the church, and I wore his boutonniere in my hair after the ceremony ended. It was a hard day trying to celebrate our wedding with such heavy hearts, but we got through it together.

It is coming up on the year anniversary of his death, and what a year it has been.  I am still dealing with losing Lee every single day, and I don't expect that to change ever.  It will always be an immense loss that I feel, not only for the little things, but especially for the big things in life that he won't be here to share with me.  He won't ever see the home we are building or the children we will have, but I know he will be there in spirit as my guardian angel - guiding me and helping me each day.

Today would have been his 26th birthday, and I'm sure he would have something planned with his friends and would have a great weekend.  Lee always had a great time, no matter what the situation - that's something I still try to achieve in my life every day.  I pray that he is celebrating today in heaven and having a huge shin-dig.

As we move past this day, and go through the next week, I'm sure we will relive those terrible events surrounding his death and the days, weeks and months after in our minds and in our hearts.  I've never felt a hurt so deep, and I hope I never do again. Through it all, I rely on the love of my husband and my family, and they are my constant reminder of why I should live each day thankful for the blessings God has given me, including my brother. 

I miss him every moment of every day, and can't wait until I can hug his neck and kiss his cheek again one day.

~Ginny